Isn’t it funny how easy it is to recognize how someone’s behavior
is going to affect a relationship when it is not us? We could be watching a movie or listening to a friend tell us about their relationship and we can see the problems clearly. When it comes to us and being in the thick of emotion in a relationship it is very hard to see clearly. Hence the “Love is Blind” saying. Hopefully, our maturity and self-awareness get better as we gain different life experiences.
After a breakup, we are a mixed bag of emotions. The reality is in some cases, by the time someone breaks up, they may have already tried enough times to keep things together and have emotionally disconnected. To be honest, each time I have ended a relationship, it was over before the actual breakup and by that time it was really done. I think that if that is the case, then reconnecting will be much more difficult because essentially the mourning period has already happened and going back is not an option.
There are circumstances where it’s possible to get back together with your ex. There are key steps to take to give this process the best possible chance. Starting after the breakup, you will need to
Reassess the relationship
Why did it end? Why do you really want to get back together? Is it because you are just lonely in general or really lonely for that one person? If it is just a seasonal thing, then you should just forget it! Everyone wants to be a couple when the fall starts and heads to the holiday season. Don’t put anyone through that it’s just selfish and hurtful if not genuine.
Sometimes we are actually more upset at the idea of what it could have been, not what it actually was.
Also just because something is familiar and comfortable does not mean that it is a good reason to rekindle a relationship. During this time, stay completely away from contacting your ex at all costs! Do not call, text, or see them. Be brutally honest about the “why“.
Work on yourself
Now, if you have decided that you really want to try again, you must take time to work on yourself. You do not want to be seen as needy, jealous or desperate. You need to get a grip this matters! You must work to see very clearly where things need to be fixed within yourself. Do you believe that you are able to really do the work necessary to change what you have done that contributed to the breakup? The reality is that if you are not willing to do the work on yourself, don’t bother. Nothing will change and it will happen all over again.
They need time to breathe and to start to miss you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. This takes time, make sure you allow enough. It would be healthy to meet new people during this time, it will help you remember that there are other fish in the sea! After you really feel that you have gained your confidence and realize that you are fine and complete with or without a relationship, you are ready to contact them.
Do not go any further if you are willing to lower your standards to be with them. Do not accept or put up with any type of abuse mental, verbal or physical.
I would recommend not texting since a text does not have any context and it’s very easy to misinterpret, way too easy to screw up. Better choices would be an actual letter or a phone call. A thoughtful upbeat letter or call that also may include any apologies that you feel are needed. You can end it with a simple, “I would like to get a cup of coffee sometime, let me know if you would be interested”. If they do not agree to coffee you could send a text after the initial letter it could be a simple remembrance of something you both have shared. It could be a song or movie or anything that made you think of them.
The idea would be to lightly bring up a happy memory and then let them think about this without any pressure for anything more. As you slowly start communicating more you should talk about the positive changes that you have made. Start with a friendship! Eventually, show how the changes that you have made would make this new relationship different if you were to get back together.
Move forward and do not rehash the past, treat this as a new relationship because it is!
Every relationship takes two people to care enough about the relationship to give it the attention, patience and respect it deserves. It is very special when you see an older couple that has been together a long time smiling and holding hands. I think it would be nice if we could all experience that type of love one day.
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